December 9th, 2018

 

World in Flames: Spring 2015 Campaign

     “Kicking in the Door"

(Above) The Axis players (Auberon Croker, Alex Abbott, and Logan McDonald) contemplate their grand strategy over the European map.

 

(Above) James Crandall and Ryan Gale consult over Allied plans in the Pacific.
Axis players: Logan McDonald (Jpn), Alex Abbott (Ger), Auberon Croker (Ita) Allied players: James Crandall (CW), Ryan Gale (Fra/USSR), Hight (US/China)

Sept/Oct 1939: The weather started clear, and then stayed painfully clear. The Germans declare war on Poland and lurch forward. They take a few casualties, but Poland falls during the long turn without much fuss. Denmark is overrun in the second impulse and the USSR occupies Eastern Poland. Italy stays quiet, moving some troops from Africa to Libya and the homeland. The CW land troops in northern France at Calais under command of Gort. Japan transports troops to China but Asia is mostly quiet. A single attack is made to kill an outlying Chinese Nationalist cav, but the Japanese lose a inf corp in the process. The turn ends with the US sending resources to China.

 

Nov/Dec 1939: Again, the weather is surprisingly mild. Germany spends the turn moving troops west... and south to the Hungarian border. Allied commanders huddle up and wonder what the next move of the Fuhrer is going to be. Italy again stays quiet, shuttling a few troops but otherwise not doing much. Japan repositions in China, but no attacks are made and the Chinese stubbornly stay put, digging in. The Allies pass three times before finally ending the turn. The US occupies Greenland and Iceland and also interns the Bearn, generating some tension as the Americans look nervously eastward to the European conflagration.

 

Jan/Feb 1940:  The winter brings an uneventful beginning to 1940. The Germans continue to shift west and south, splitting forces between the Hungarian border and France. Most of the turn is spent moving troops. Italy still remains quiet - perhaps the ally of Germany is having second thoughts? Japan repositions troops to cover spots for partisans, but starts a strategic bombing campaign (that fails in the weather). The US starts a Chinese aircraft program to bolster the air defenses there, but not much else of note happens.

 

Mar/Apr 1940: The weather turns painfully clear at the start of the turn, and the Germans are ready. They declare war on the Netherlands, attacking Amsterdam and paradropping on Rotterdam, both without loss. Most of the Dutch navy escapes, however, to join the Commonwealth. In the same impulse, Germany surprises the Allies, declaring war on Yugoslavia and pulling Rumania into the war. The Soviet plan to seize Bessarabia has been foiled! The Germans are punished for their aggression by the pesky Serbs, who manage to hold Belgrade against a German assault (failed with a 2/1 result). Hungary later in the turn joins the Axis cause, producing outrage in the United States. No one is sure why. The British shuffle troops to various strategic points, landing corps in Malta and reinforcing Gibraltar. An Aussie milita unit occupies Rabaul. Italy, despite the loss of the Rumanian oil, remains neutral. Japan continues its bombing campaign in China, trying to flip oil dependent units and strategically bomb.

 

May/June 1940: As expected, the Germans use their advance position and the clear weather to unleash their summer onslaught. First impulse Germany declares war on Belgium, and Italy finally enters the war, declaring war on both France and Britain. The Italians push into Tunisia and make a risky attack in the French alps that succeed despite some loss. Germany blows through eastern Belgium without loss, seizing the line from Antwerp to Luxembourg. The Fleigerkorps, fresh from their success in Holland, attempts a daring assault on Strausborg. The assault succeeds, but the paratroopers are destroyed in the process. The French line has already been breached. Timely British tactical bombing flips some key German units on the line, forcing a delay in the German attacks and allowing the French and British to occupy western Belgium. By the end of the turn, however, both Belgium and Yugoslavia are conquered and the troops in the Balkans are moving north to France. The Soviets, fearful of the German aggression, occupy the Baltic States. This move produces a stern reaction in the United States, followed by weeks of posturing from American politicians. Mid turn the British find, surprise, and sink an Italian TRS in Tripoli. The Italians retaliate by sending the AOI corps into the Sudan, conquering the territory. Japan continues to play the waiting game in China, strategically bombing, again without success. It is probably only a matter of time, however. The Chinese reinforce the line, but do not appear to be interested in an offensive.

 

 

 

July/Aug 1940: The Allies win initiative, but the Axis demand a re-roll and seize control. In the first impulse Guderian uses a land offensive chit and the Germans blow two holes in the French line in Belgium, advancing face-up and without loss. The Italians take a naval and post their fleet in the Western Med, looking to do damage to the French and British blockade of their Tunisian efforts. The fleet keeps the Italian army in Tunisia in supply. The British respond by moving a huge fleet of their own into the Med. In the first round of combat, the Italians surprise the Brits, sinking the CA Hawkins and the French convoys without loss. After the smoke clears, neither side manages to find the other, and this trend persists in to the 2nd and 3rd impulses. Japan resumes its strategic bombing campaign, and, sure enough, the pilots are learning. Chungking suffers damage (-1 BP). The French regroup in the 2nd impulse, pulling back forming a new line inside of France. The Germans push forward again inside the Maginot line and kill a sacrificial French unit covering the retreat in Belgium. Bulgaria joins Germany in the war and moves its troops into Yugoslavia to garrison the poor Slavs there. Churchill promises liberation; Roosevelt promises to get re-elected. Later in the turn the Commonwealth and Italians scrap again in the Western Med, with the Italians losing the CA Fiume and having the Littorio damaged. Daring British groundstrikes in France flip front line German units and the last German HQ (Guderian), stalling the offensive, although the Germans have cleared Alsace-Lorraine and have pushed within two hexes of Paris. Depite early Allied setbacks, the line in France has stabilized and France survives! The turn ends fairly early (turn roll of '2'), helping matters considerably.

Sept/Oct 1940: The Allies win initiative and the initial weather is stormy (weather roll of '10'). The British post another fleet off the coast of Italy in the Western Med, but the ensuing port strike in the next Allied impulse fails again with the Italians getting enough surprise to avoid combat. Not much happens in France until mid turn when the weather clears. The Germans drop their second chit and blow away three stacks of French defenders, actually getting a hex on Paris and threatening to flank the defenders in the south. Fortunately for the French, the turns (with a '2' - and a '2' needed), leaving the German army poised for success but not yet achieving it. Next turn's initiative looks to be vital. The US gifts destroyers to the British. More occasional ground striking and strategic bombing from the Japanese, to no serious effect in China.

 

Nov/Dec 1940: The Allies need the initiative... and they get it. The French reposition and repair the lines, albeit a bit further west than before. Early in the turn the weather clears, and the British launch a daring port strike on La Spezia. Their daring pays off as the last remaining Italian TRS is sunk. The Germans reorganize the line and push forward in the southern area of the front, killing some pocketed French units as the airforce moves forward as well. Then the weather takes a horrible turn for the worse and the German offensive grinds to a halt. For the second consecutive time the turn ends at its earliest opportunity, this time on a '1' after the third Axis impulse. More of the same in China - not happening except the Japanese positioning forces to reduce the threat of partisans. Meanwhile, the Japanese navy grow ever larger - scary looking even.

 

Jan/Feb 1941: The Axis win initiative and it is all Axis all turn from there. The weather starts bad, but despite the snow the Germans blitz two more hexes around Paris, giving them four hexes on Paris without loss. The next impulse the weather clears a bit, and the Germans take the last two remaining hexes around Paris, isolating it completely. The turn could have ended on a '3' but sadly it does not. Worse yet, the next weather roll is a '1' - clear weather in the temperate! The Germans launch a +14 assault on Paris and take it with ease. The Italians use the turn to rebase aircraft around the Med, reinforcing Libya. Japan continues to bomb without much success, but then bring Siam into the war as an ally. Americans are incensed, and protests form about Japanese imperialism in Washington D.C. At the turn's end Germany creates a Vichy government in France - France has fallen. Fortunately most of the colonies remain loyal and form the Free French government in exile. Even Indo-China and French West Africa stay free. A few convoy points, the CA Algerie, and a TRS stay free, along with one 5-2 Senegalese militia unit. Fight on, you Frenchmen! The United States is again seriously upset at the news, and for the first time calls for war may be heard in public discourse.

 

Mar/April 1941: With France gone, at the end of the previous turn the British swarm troops into Brittany, seizing Brest and taking a defensive line from Nantes to St. Malo. The Germans lurch forward to engage them in mostly rainy weather. A 5-4 MOT dies as the Germans advance, but otherwise the British hold their lines for the turn. Many Axis units rail to the Soviet border, but it is not clear weather that is for a build-up to war, or as a prophylactic against Soviet aggression. The world awaits the next German move. Italy starts to contribute to the war, sending garrison units to Poland. Japan, upset over having lost Indo-China, declares war on France and invades it, again causing outrage in the U.S. This time the affront seems to result in action, as Congress passes legislation gearing up military spending. People are now openly talking about a trade embargo with Japan and perhaps war. The Japanese move into Indo-China and stretch the front with China, nearly cutting off the Burma Road, which hangs precariously in the balance.

 

May/June 1941: The Axis win initiative and the Germans launch themselves against the British redoubt in Brittany, eliminating 6 corps in the space of two impulses before the navy appears to evacuate Alexander and the remaining troops. The rest of the turn the Germans turn south and head for the Spanish border. Mid turn Vichy is collapsed. The Italian army streams east to build up the garrison against the Soviets, along with significant German forces. No Barbarossa looks imminent as the cream of the Wehrmacht currently sits on the border of Spain and France. The Germans do manage to strategically bomb London, taking 2 BPs from the British. The Japanese occupy the Marshalls and continue to bomb China, taking a few points from the poor Chinese. The Americans are increasingly outraged by events in Europe, taking numerous chits from the Axis actions. At the turn's end the US Congress passes the War Appropriations Act and talk of global war abounds. How long before the Americans are in the fray?

 

July/August 1941: The turn starts with a whimper - not much happens. Japan attacks and kills two Chinese partisans, but there is no other movement aside from more bombing in China (China loses another build point). The Germans continue to build up on the Spanish-French frontier as well as on the Soviet border in Poland. The British push up more troops into Libya, and the Italians retreat to defend Tripoli. Some minor naval skirmishes do little in the Med, but the Italians establish supply. Then, on the 3rd Axis impulse, the Germans declare war on Spain. The Spanish were ready and defend strongly along the border, stopping the Germans in the Pyrenees. British troops flow into Bilbao as the Germans advance up to Barcelona but do not take it (or even attack it!). The next impulse the Japanese navy spreads out across the Pacific. What? Sure enough, the impulse after that the weather miraculously clears (a '1' on the weather roll) giving clear weather in the north monsoon. Japan declares war on the US, all the Allies, and NEI. They invade and take (without any losses) Rabaul, Legaspi in the Philippines, two hexes in the NEI, Midway, and the Hawaiian island next to Oahu. Nippon also strikes Pearl Harbor with unreasonable luck, sinking both the CVs there (Wasp and Yorktown), the CA Salt Lake City, and damaging some battleships. The next impulse the US fleet sorties to hit undefended Japanese convoys, but they fail all three search attempts to engage. Congress is asked to declare war on Germany and Italy, but despite the projected 80% likelihood of American intervention, German funded isolationists filibuster and prevent the vote from being taken. Everyone expects America to enter the war soon, however, so the delay seems pointless. The turn ends on a '3' impulse, close but slightly short of its predicted average length.

Sept/October 1941: A long turn, with plenty of ups and downs the entire way. The Allies lose the first initative roll, but demand a re-roll and win initiative. Britain uses the initiative to put Libya out of supply. He successfully ground strikes Tripoli and assaults the city, taking it without loss. The rest of the Italian army in Libya (including the HQ Balbo) are isolated. The Italians seek revenge the following impulse, sailing out the navy to try and catch a tasty CW fleet in the Western Med. The Italians find their luck and surprise the Brits, sinking a British AMPH and two escorting Spanish cruisers. The combat continues and the Italians are in turn surprised, but they survive every naval combat roll, and so suffer only two BBs and one CA damaged. An Italian naval victory! On the first impulse Germany and Italy decide to join Japan in the global war and declare war on the US, probably to avoid a nasty surprise port strike that the US has set up outside of Brest. The call turns out to be a wise one. The next impulse the US port strikes the German fleet in Brest, but accurate AA fire shoots all of the American naval carrier bombers down. The US is shocked, but vows to take the lesson to heart. Mid turn the Germans work up their courage and assault Barcelona in an attempt to break free of the mountain line before Allied troops arrive to bolster the front. The attack fails, costing the Germans a PARA and one Spanish defending corps. British and US troops do manage to arrive and reinforce the line, which is looking like a WWI front at the moment. In the Pacific, China remains quiet. the Japanese strategically bomb but without success. They manage to seize all of the remaining oil in the NEI, but American subs surprise the tankers transporting the oil, and sink 4 convoys in the South China Sea, aborting the rest. The Japanese do not manage to repair the line and suffer a mild build loss for the turn. Meanwhile, Japanese troops advance on Luzon and more troops land for an expected assault on Manila. The Americans manage one coup. The weather in the North Monsoon cleared long enough for the marines to assault and retake Kaui, killing a Japanese Mar division. The Japanese are still expanding elsewhere in Europe, but the Hawaiin islands look safer for the moment. The US sends FTRs and more corps to defend Hawaii. The Soviets spend the turn rushing everything they have to the German border - given the garrison chits showing the Soviets are not long from entering the war. The turn finally ends after 9 impulse - one of the longer S/O turns.

Nov/Dec 1941:  A surprisingly long turn, where not a lot happens. The Italians and Germans frantically pile units on the Soviet border to avoid a Soviet declaration of war. The Germans switch to a defensive line in the Pyranees. A sortie of the German navy fails to find an exposed British convoy line, much to the relief of the British. Japan Lands more troops in the Philippines and secures its hold on the oil fields of NEI (but has yet to conquer NEI). Some minor movement in the Pacific, but no naval battles occur.

Jan/Feb 1942: The Allies win initiative and the Soviet Union declares war on Germany and Italy. The surprise impulse is anti-climactic, however, as one key Soviet attacks fails in the south. Thus the battle lines harden along the river lines. The Soviets mostly try to reorganize their lines while the Axis reinforce theirs and bring in more aircraft. The Germans do manage to clear much of Poland, taking our Brest-Litovsk without losses and advancing near Minsk. The CW invades Sicily, taking the Italians by surprise. Syracuse is taken but bad weather slows the advance, allowing the Italians to secure the boot and redeploy units around Italy. In the Pacific, near the end of the turn the Americans sail out and boldly invade both Eniwetok and Kwajalein, taking both islands. The exposed navy then sits a turn and the Japanese come to play, but the fleets were not destined for battle. The US loses a CVP in the attacks, but both are successful, giving the US some needed air-bases on the Marshall Island sea zone. China makes a +4 low odds attack on Canton and fails, but then makes a +4 attack on Hanoi and take the city with heavy losses (2/1). Indo-China is liberated!

Mar/Apr 1942: The turn starts clear and stays surprisingly clear. The good weather tempts the US to try and retake the Midway Island group. The fleet sails in force and does manage to take the outlying islands, but strong Japanese defenders preclude an attack on Midway itself. The Japanese navy then sallies forth to give battle. The Americans made the Japanese pay a price in carrier planes, but ultimately could not win the battle, losing the CV Ranger and CA New Orleans sunk while inflicting no damage on the Japanese. The Americans then retreated to Pearl. The remaining Japanese carrier wings then struck at Pearl, but excellent AA guns defeated the invaders, killing one CVP to no additional US losses. US subs do well, knocking out more convoys, but lose their best submarine in the process. Japan struck another blow, taking Manila (although with 2 losses) and killing MacArthur, who vowed never to return if he could help it. China attacks again, seizing the hex adjacent to Canton with heavy casualties (2/1). In Europe the Germans launch a daring invasion in southern Estonia to flank the Soviet line, but a mishap in fighter cover allows Soviet bombers to help out and the invasion is repulsed. Germany loses an INF and MAR. Another attack on the coast succeeds, but the Germans are not able to exploit the victory and the lines eventually revert back to the previous static line. More US and British troops head to Spain and Sicily respectively. The CW claims the remainder of Sicily and prepares to do more damage to Italy. Limited strategic bombing finally starts, taking one point from each of Germany and Italy. Turn ends with line more or less where they have been in Europe, and a fluid situation in the Pacific with Japan securing its interior lines (they also took Guam without loss).

May/June 1942: The Allies win initiative, and despite a reroll the Allies keep the initiative. The big news is that the Soviets finally find their courage and launch an attack across the southern river line into Bessarabia. And they are rewarded with success, punching a hole in the German line. The Fuhrer then makes a fateful decision, launching a risky counter-attack to pinch off the exploiting Soviet armor. The attack goes awry causing most of the German units to flip. The Soviets next impulse kill the HQ, leaving many of the face-down units out of supply and easy pickings. The carnage is significant, and by the end of the turn the Soviets clear most of Rumania, excepting a single unit in Bucharest and one north of Constanta in the swamps. The road to Sofia and west to Belgrade appears open. In the north later in the turn the German do strike back, killing a stack of Soviet units without loss and further cementing the northern part of the line, but the south looks dangerously open. In Italy the CW invades two hexes south of Taranto, landing without trouble. They then try to clear the path to Sicily by attacking the Italians in Reggio, but the attack fails (2nd straight failed attack). But there are now Allied forces on the mainland in addition to Sicily. The US reinforces Spain and starts to land a few forces in Britain as well, but not much happens on the Spanish front.
  In the Pacific things are mostly quiet. The US fleet sorties into the Marshalls to protect TRS that reinforce the Marshall Islands, but no combat results as the Japanese choose to sent their fleet west to protect the convoy lines (which they successfully do). The Americans do manage to catch one cruiser (the CA Kako) and sink it, but little else happens. The British rebase their Indian fleet to Joykarta, which now threatens the oil convoys from the NEI. China makes another low odds attack (+4) and seizes with 2 losses a mountain hex in the north, pressing the Japanese line. The hole is quickly repaired and more Japanese units reinforce other weak spots in China, so the line now looks fairly solid. The British start slowly moving forces down from Burma into Siam and Malaya, hoping to contest both.

July/Aug 1942: For the fourth consecutive turn the Allies win initiative, even after (for the 2nd straight turn) a re-roll demanded by the Axis. The Soviets start by reducing two small pockets of German units in Rumania and finish advancing around Bucharest.

Sept/Oct 1942: Time ran out during the term. Abbott and Hight continued on just for pratice.

Game continued to Nov/Dec 1943, ending with an agreed Allied decisive victory. The Allies had three hexes in mainland Japan and both the Soviets and the Americans were in Germany. An excellent game!

 

 

 

 

 

 

WAR NEWS!

WAR! 1 Sept 1939. Dateline London (Reuters): The lights are going out all over Europe for a second time this century as the Germans have once again violated the peaceful neutrality of its neighbors. All Europeans - and indeed all citizens world-wide - are encouraged to stand up and end this tyrant's reign of terror before too many more suffer his abuse and oppression. We appeal to the peace-loving people of Germany to overthrow their new leader and demand that the Germany military serve only to defend Germany and not attack its neighbors. Let the cry ring out: "No Adolf Abbott! No Adolf Abbott!"

The Sidekick Stays on the Side? 3 October 1939. Dateline Rome (AP): As German forces ravage Poland and Denmark and threaten the borders of Belgium and the Netherlands, all eyes are on the Fuhrer's closest ally: Auberon "El Ducko"  Mussolini. Will the Italians join the war against France and Great Britain? Diplomatic exchanges between Berlin and Rome have been intense according to sources at the French embassy in Rome. "Although it is a concern, we hope that our Italian neighbors know that their best interests lie on the path of peace with France," said Revanche de la Cheeze, the French ambassador to Italy. "That said, we would not mind annexing some additional mountains on the border, to improve the ski tourism of the area - Grenoble is getting really crowded these days."

 

Phony War Grips Europe, Christmas Worries Linger 20 December 1939. Dateline Paris (Le Monde): After the shocking conquest of both Poland and Denmark, European leaders are hopeful that a peaceful solution to the present conflict in Europe might be found. At a minimum there is great hope for an enduring 'Christmas ceasefire' that might turn into some sort grounds for peace talks. "Oo la la! Perhaps the Germans are moving all of their forces to the west, but we French are lovers, not fighters and we will fight for love." So says iconic French movie star Ryanne "Gale force" de Galle, when asked about the present war. He continued "If the Bosch won't yield, then we must fight to get them to see our love." The French government since released a comminique noting that Msr. de Galle does not represent the French government, or in fact, many French citizens either.

 

America Responds to Plight of Refugees in Poland 18 January 1940. Dateline Washington D.C. (UPI): In an unprecedented show of humanitarian spirit, several charitable organizations in the United States, including the Greater Germanic People League and the Keep America Isolated Forum, launched a food drive to help feed refugees in Europe. Said Helmut Angst, leader of the GGRL, "We want to help out the poor Germans, who are struggling with feeding all of the dispossessed peoples in Poland. The plight of the average German citizen is being overlooked in this terrible war." When asked whether it would not have made more sense to simply not invade Poland and hence avoid the refugee problem, Angst replied, "I'm not a politician, I'm just following ord - er... - I am just trying to lend a hand to those who are less fortunate than ourselves."

 

 

German Aggression Continues! Holland Attacked! 2 March 1940. Dateline Brussels (World News Inc.): Despite high hopes for a peaceful resolution to the present conflict, Adolf Abbott destroyed any such hopes early this morning by unleashing his forces on the poor people of Holland. Reports indicate that German armored and infantry corps have penetrated to the outskirts of Amsterdam, where a battle currently ensues. There have been some reports of intense air operations around the city of Rotterdam as well, including one (unconfirmed) report of German paratroopers landing at strategic locations in and around the city. No word has been issued from the German government as to why the Netherlands has been attacked, although some speculate that Der Fuhrer is simply power mad. "It all started when young Adolf was a RA at his college in Austria. He let the power and authority go to his head. There has been no stopping his quest for power ever since." This, from a psychological profile done on the leader of Germany in 1938, sheds some insight into the nature of the man France and the Commonweatlh currently confront.

Japan Escalates Bombing in "Forgotten War" 18 March 1940. Dateline Chungking (AP): Since the German invasion of Poland last September, the world has mostly forgotten the now three and a half year old war in China. Since July of 1937 Japanese forces have occupied increasing portions of China, until last summer when the lines finally stabilized. Now, in a new phase, Japan has unleashed waves of bombers that are pounding Chinese troops and targeting both industrial and civilian centers behind the front lines. Some speculate this is a prelude to a new summer offensive, but others see it as a calculated attempt to bring down China by destroying its industrial capacity while undermining morale. Leader Kai-Shek implored the League of Nations and the United States in particular to "not forget their friends in China" who "continue to suffer the outrageous aggression of the Japanese." The US Secretary for Asian Affairs was unavailable for comment, vacationing in the Adirondacks.

 

Belgium Next to Fall! German Onslaught Continues 4 May 1940. Dateline Paris (Le Monde): After annihilating Holland without response from the Allies, the German army moved west again, declaring war on Belgium in the early hours of 2 May 1940. Elite German shock troops surprised the Belgians, taking Liege and Brussels virtually without a fight. Yesterday the British Foreign Minister James "Crank the Handle" Crandall revealed plans for significant British intervention on the continent. "Commonwealth and French forces are, even as we speak, moving into Belgium at the request of King Leopold to aid the Belgians. We hope to have liberated Brussels by next week, assuming we can get the lorries started." Apparently the Minister insisted on using vintage hand cranked cars for military transports. An anonymous source has revealed to this reporter than Minister Crandall in fact owns a large percentage of the car company, whose only sales in the last 20 years have been to the British military.

Italy Stuns World, Including Germany, Declares War 5 May 1940. Dateline Rome (World News Inc.): In a move that surprised even the German Foreign Minister, Italy declared war on France and Great Britain at 8:30am this morning. Italian troops are already advancing into southern France and into the French colony of Tunisia. At a 9am press conference in Berlin, an American reporter asked the German Foreign Minister Alex von Ribbertrap to comment. von Ribbertrap said only, "Vas? Vas? No way. Really? Those little linguinis need to learn who they should tell first. See if they get any help from us now. Yeesh!" Later an official press release indicated that the Germans were "pleased" that their Italian allies came to join them in their crusade to make Europe safe for all people. The release states "Germany and Italy are pleased to jointly announce the formation of their Crusade to Rescue All Peoples (CRAP), a new international society operating out of both governments." Apparently a lot of CRAP is coming from both Rome and Berlin and the rest of Europe should expect to take a lot CRAP from them.   

Yugoslavs Repulse German Attack, Caught Unprepared the Next Week 7 May 1940. Dateline Belgrade (Worlds News Inc.) In the last week of April, the Yugoslavian army repulsed an attack by a joint German and Rumanian force in the capital city of Belgrade. Troops and civilians were seen celebrating through city streets in the immediate aftermath of the attack and joy was in the air. The party continued for well over a week and was abruptly cut short when Rumanian bombers targeted troops and German forces advanced into the city May 5th. The ill-prepared Slavs couldn't withstand the might of the largest army in the world and crumbled quickly. German officers have installed strict disciplinary procedures to prevent their troops from being caught in the same state. A British army officer, I.B. Dyingsoon, had assumed control over the Yugoslav military in an advisory capacity. When approached for comment, Dyingsoon stated, "I don't know why the pesky Germans attacked the Slavs. Clearly, the Yugoslav forces simply like to throw bashes and have a good time." Speculation has been rampant that a massive Yugoslavian soirée was thrown in mid-April with Russian and British politicians in attendance, but that high-ranking German officials were not invited. No German ministers have responded to interview requests at this time.

 

French Defenses, Cheese Fall to Advancing Huns! 6 July 1940. Dateline Berlin (Der Spiegel). The German armies found token resistance among the defenders of the industrial city of Metz this week as they continued their assault on the delicate values of wine drinking and baguette eating. The small French garrison found itself nearly surrounded and attempted to escape after the German army, representing the virtues of dark beer and Spätzle, applied minimal pressure from multiple directions. As the French departed their fortresses for the warmer climes of Paris and Abraham’s bosom, German infantrymen perused the abandoned casemates to find hundreds of styles of cheese. Needless to say, the Germans will be sad to leave their feast of Munster, Brie, and Roquefort to resume campaigning.

World Confused by Bulgarian Announcement. 23 July 1940. Dateline Sofia (Balkan Bugle): In one of the more surprising announcements given the current world situation, the Bulgarian President declared a public alliance this morning with Germany, formally joining the war against France and Britain. The formal pronouncement by the President is clearly conflicted. "We Bulgarians naturally find an affinity for brie and shepherd's pie. And since we loathe sauerkraut, sausages, and marzipan, it is of course appropriate for us to join with our Germanic brethren. We will work hard to see that Europe prospers in the 1000 day empire of Herr Hitler and are currently sabotaging our munitions shipments going to Germany now. We do this of our own free will, despite the intense military and economic pressure from Berlin and Rome, which had nothing to do with our decision." Both France and Britain have sent envoys to discuss the possibility of Allied support for Bulgaria in their mission to help the Axis.

Japanese Raid Chungking, Kill Herd of Goats, Country Mourns. 17 August 1940. Dateline Chungking (Chingchow Press): In the largest aerial raid of the now three year old war, Japanese planes managed to finally inflict serious damage to Chinese economy, destroying an entire herd of goats just outside the capital city of Chungking. "The horror! All those poor goats - and what will we use to keep our lawns neat and manicured without the goats to eat the grass?" exclaimed the Mayor of Chungking, No Ping Wong. Apparently the goat herd was one of the most prosperous businesses in the city, with most of the major manufacturing plants having been relocated to other more defensible areas inside of China. The Nationalist government has pledged to provide more fighter cover and aerial early warning to the outlying areas.   


Poor German Forecasting Defeats Wehrmacht.
18 October 1940. Dateline Paris (World News International): With positions overlooking the 'city of lights,' the German High Command inexplicably called a halt to preparations to assault the French capital earlier this month. Apparently German weather forecasters made an error, and predicted that the weather would clear the first two weeks of October. As a result, German commanders opted to rest their troops and then launch the assault in late October. The skies have remained dark and dreary, however, and mud has clogged the transport system. New job ads have been posted for meteorological positions in Berlin and elsewhere in Germany, although the requirement for applicants to be members of the Nazi Party have kept applications to a minimum.  

Americans Discover Rock and Roll. 31 October 1940. Dateline Peoria, Illinois (The Star): Americans are flocking to a new craze that is sweeping the nation. Teenagers and young folks from across the nation are doing the "Rock and Roll." Apparently the idea is to listen to German speeches until someone cannot stand it anymore, and that person throws a rock at the phonograph or radio. Everyone else then immediately rolls back and forth on the ground until dizzy. "It is totally cool," said one young man who wished to remain anonymous. "It's a great high throwing rocks at Adolf Abbott or El Duco Croker and then spinning until you are dizzy. Although, yea, Croker's German is pretty bad, but that just makes it more fun!" Some cultural critics are worried that this phenomenon might spread to other areas of teen culture. "Let's hope this does not become a new form of music," said Olga Uppentite, a sociologist at T. Gore University, "or we will have to burn records and the like to keep our children safe from harm."

Italian Air Minister Fired from Post after British Raid. 14 November 1940. Dateline La Spezia (Rigatoni): Au Revoir Scapini, the Italian Air Marshall under the Croker government was fired yesterday after a long consultation with the leader El Ducko. Insiders report that Scapini was released after revelations came to light that he was taking mistresses up in fighters in exchange for favors. Apparently the air cover for the fleet in the port of La Spezia was down as a result of a large number of aircraft being commandeered for 'personal inspections' of the air defenses by the Marshall. "I hava no commenta," said Scapini, as he debarked from a Macchi 2000 fighter plane with an unknown woman. More questions were raised after it was discovered that Scapini is not in fact a pilot. Apparently pilots and other Italian air force personnel were forced to hold up painted scenes and make engine noises to simulate flight for the Marshall and his guests.

 

 

Germans Finally Decide to Use Scary Helmets, Defeat France. 24 February 1941. Dateline Bonn (Huh Magazine): The German High Command discovered only this past week that its combat troops had inadvertently been issued the wrong helmets and gas masks. Since the start of the French campaign German soldiers had been wearing bright red and orange clown wigs along with gas masks in the shape of various farm animals. "Ve thought it vas odd, but ven der Fuhrer says 'vear dis,' den ve vear it!" said Otto von Siegheil, a privat in the LV Infantry Corps stationed near Lille. Apparently no questions were raised as a secret picture of the Fuhrer had been circulated amongst the troops in which the leader was depicted with a rifle and the clown wig. Troops thought the picture inspirational and sought to imitate their leader.

French Soldiers Recognize Hopelessness of Cause, Surrender to Germans. 27 February 1941. Dateline Paris (Das Spiel): As the Wehrmacht surrounded their positions in Paris, French soldiers came to the realization that their cause was lost. Faced with a choice between certain death or an option to produce more tanks, guns, and planes for the largest army in the world, French soldiers began escaping to the German lines by the hundreds. When the German army finally launched its assault on the French capital, only the officers in the French army attempted to put up a fight, with common soldiers waving and tossing the invaders baguettes as German trucks and half-tracks streamed past their positions. The army's crumbling was prolonged by short campaigning seasons in the fall and winter of 1940, but the German army's superior morale and training were obvious as the encirclement of Paris was achieved.


British Transports Lose Way, Miss Destination by 1500 Miles. 28 February 1941. Dateline London (Reuters): British troops bound for Cairo, including Lord Gort and General Alexander, must have gotten lost in foggy weather in the Bay of Biscay, as they suddenly showed up in northwestern France instead. Confusion was rampant among troops expecting to face the soft Italians in North Africa and instead coming face-to-face with the mighty German army in Brittany. An entire corps of motorised infantry was left on its own and was quickly demolished by the Germans before the line stabilized further west. Nantes and Rennes have been given up to the Germans, meaning that Brest is the only significant strategic point in France that remains under Allied control. Morale in the German army is high; "We've already shown the soft Frenchies what we're capable of, and soon the Tommies will be learning the same lesson," says Sieg von Triumph, Adolf Abbott's trusted minister of propaganda. von Triumph continued, "No army in Europe is capable of stopping us now!" Surely the British navy has learned its lesson and will begin keeping its troops away from the front lines in order to avoid such debacles in the future.

 

Second Phony War Grips Western Europe. 1 April 1941. Dateline Brest (The Onion): With the surrender of France to Germany last month, action in Europe has come to a virtual standstill, prompting many to wonder whether peace might be on the horizon. When asked about the quietude in Europe, President Hightevelt responded "The lights went out in Europe, and there shall be no peace until the lights burn brightly again with the glow of freedom, democracy, and the American way." Hightevelt is fresh off his electoral victory, where he became the first US leader to win three consecutive terms as president. "Most of the world looks to America for leadership and moral purity," said Morrill Smorgashbord, the Prime Minister of Sweden, "and when Germany and Italy do the same, they too will know the true meaning of being a world citizen."

Japan Attacks French in Pacific. 4 April 1941. Dateline Tokyo (Sashimi Press):  When hurried talks in February and March between Japanese and French Indo-China officials failed to produce a satisfactory result, Japan abruptly ended the negotiations and declared war on the Free French government, currently operating in exile in the Middle Congo. The Japanese were promised Indo-China in secret talks with the Vichy and German governments. When the Indo-China colonial government bravely refused to submit to the Petain Vichy government, the Japanese tried to step in and assert de facto political control. The French balked and the Japanese sent troops into Hanoi, forcibly seizing the colonial governmental apparatus. Rumors of Chinese aid to the French are unconfirmed, but Chinese military units are known to be arrayed on the Chinese-Indo China border.

 

Italians, Fearful of Actual Combat, Flee to Poland. 12 May 1941. Dateline Rome (Wasamattayou Press): When Italian troops were asked to volunteer for duty in either in Libya or in Poland to counter a growing Soviet threat, every Italian soldier opted to head to Poland. The Italian military is now having trouble finding enough troops to replace the usual attrition losses (illness, retirement, etc.) for their forces in North Africa. One solider was asked about the choice and reported, "Oh yea, we Italians are nota so good at the fighting. In Poland, da is no fighting, only pasta eating and chasing the pretty Polish girls." New service policies are expected to go into effect in Italy later this summer to correct the problem.
 

 

 

 

Japanese Prayers for Divine Wind Answered, Weather Miraculously Clears for Evil Attack on America. 4 August 1941. Dateline Pearl Harbor, Hawaii (AP Newswire): In what President Hightevelt called "a day that will live in infamy," Japanese bombers struck the naval base of Pearl Harbor, sinking two aircraft carriers, a cruiser, and damaging an assortment of other vessels including the BB West Virginia (plans are underway to make a monument to commemorate the sailors who lost their lives trying to save the ship). Defenses were relaxed as bad weather had blanketed the islands for weeks and the forecast for worse. But a freak atmospheric phenomenon suddenly cleared the storms and brought in clear weather - right as the Japanese fleet was ready to turn back and call off its surprise attack. The attack proceeded and thousands of Americans lost their lives in the vicious and ungentlemanly attack. Never before has the meaning of "yellow peril' been more... meaningful.

Congressional Vote to Widen War Defeated by Pro-German Filibuster. 12 August 1941. Dateline Washington D.C. (UPI): Pro-German lobbyists have succeeded where none thought possible, persuading three senators from states with large German-American populations to filibuster a planned vote to declare war on Germany and Italy. "We had to do it," said Hermann Nasilower, the senior senator from New Jersey, "We had to make certain this was the right course of action. We are already at war with Japan, are we ready to take on Germany, and is that just? Besides I just had a new set of swastika shirts made from a designer label, and I didn't want to have to throw those away. Waste not, after all!" President Hightevelt was incensed over the filibuster, and has started a corruption and treason investigation into the three senators, all of whom are known to have taken financial contributions from organizations with ties to Germany. "We will not let foreign governments corrupt our political process," said the President, "except, of course, when we need them to do so. And this is not one of those cases!"

Spanish Delegation Visits London, Stronger Ties Established. 20 August 1941. Dateline London (Reuters): In the first official diplomatic visit between Spain and Great Britain since France took control of Spain, Spanish and British delegates quickly hammered out a treaty that spelled out economic and military cooperation between the two countries. "We look forward to working with Great Britain and her allies," said Franco. "Despite the late unpleasantness over Gibraltar (which is still ours!) we know that the Spanish and British people have much in common. Together we can band together to stop German aggression and restore peace to Europe!"

Dead Nazis Appear in Po River, Questioned Raised about Italian Complicity. 21 August 1941. Dateline Rome (Lasunga Press): Four senior Nazi officials, missing for six days during a diplomatic trip to Milan and northern Italy, have been discovered dead in the Po River. Apparently all four men were found in their formal Nazi attire with their throats cut in the Italian style. The Italian government has officially condemned the apparent murders and issued condolences to the families and apologies to the German nation. "Of course all Italians love Germans," said Constable Kray Z. Macaroni, Chief of Police, Northern District in Italy, "but some Italians love them less than others. There has been growing concern that many Italians believe that El Ducko has backed the wrong side in this war." Some have speculated that the murders are related to mafia dealings that Germans allegedly have in Italy. Rumors that Germans prefer to deal with criminal elements instead of government channels have been spreading for some months now. The latest murders have only added fuel to that speculative fire.